The Packers Won't Fire Anyone, So We Did It For Them

The Power Sweep has heard your cries. Though Mike McCarthy was unmoved by fan requests, refusing to fire any of his staff, both Jon and Gary are owners of the Green Bay Packers, and we have much greater sway than he.

Consulting with other owners, we’ve come up with an eight step plan for remaking the Packers, laying out exactly what you’ll need to do to make the Packers into the sort of champions you want them to be.

As you’ll see, it’s a pretty simple process. Let’s get started!

Step 1: Fire Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy

Firing Ted Thompson means that his staff is likely gone, too. That means Eliot Wolf, Gutekunst, Alonzo Highsmith, Russ Ball, and everyone else. Those people are highly touted in personnel circles, but you wanted them gone, so they’re gone.

Firing the personnel people means the Packers will have to rework their scouting organization. The draft is in three months, but you wanted them to start over, so that’s what we’re doing. All player evaluation now starts from zero. All institutional memory is gone. 

Everyone who’s been working for the Packers behind the scenes scouting the players the Packers could have taken in the draft since before the start of last season are gone, and their knowledge will now be used by other teams. Hope you’ve got some good scouts lined up!

Step 2: Hire a new GM

You’ve got to hire a new GM now, too. This shouldn’t be hard: the Packers are in good financial shape and have an elite quarterback. This will be a desirable job!

But you’re also behind the eight ball, because other teams have been working ahead of you to snag interviews with top personnel people. No worries! We’ll just sign John Schneider from Seattle.

Ah, but Schneider just signed a contract extension, and he doesn’t have an out clause to come to Green Bay.

Okay, then John Dorsey from the Chiefs.

That’s possible, but do you think it’s a sure thing he wants to leave his current job? He’s built a contender all on his own, and it’s unlikely he’d be able to carry over all of his personnel people from KC. You’ve already fired everyone he would have worked with in GB, and it’s already almost February. Should he really come over now? Would that even be wise for him?

Okay, so your GM is going to have to be someone else. Who’s on your list of names? I hear Ryan Grigson is available. Trent Baalke, the 49ers former GM, is from Wisconsin and was linked to a front office position with Green Bay last month.

No, you want an established GM who knows how to win. How about giving ESPN’s Bill Polian a call? The Pro Football Hall of Fame inductee may be interested, but he’s ten years older than Thompson. So much for the youth movement.

Step 3: Hire a new head coach

Now that you’ve got a GM, he’s going to want to hire a coach. This is a team that needs to win now; as you’ve said, Aaron Rodgers’ window is closing, so you’re probably going to want to go for someone with experience, or you could try one of the young hot names. The choice is yours. Here are some options. 

I want a head coach who’s won a Super Bowl

Tom Coughlin has experience, but he’s already got a job in Jacksonville where he makes a lot of money and does vaguely defined things. Want to see if you can snag him away?

Mike Holmgren was interested in the 49ers and New York Jets head coaching jobs in 2015. Would he entertain returning to Green Bay alongside a quarterback that doesn’t throw rocketballs? He would probably want control of the front office, and that didn’t work out well in Cleveland or Seattle.

Jon Gruden won a Super Bowl and openly lavishes praise on Aaron Rodgers and his former employer. But he’s making $6.5 million working for ESPN, and you probably wouldn’t be able to match that. Oh, and he’s only won two playoff games outside of his Super Bowl run with the Buccaneers.

Bill Cowher was linked to the Packers head coaching job in 1992, but has been in broadcasting for ten years and covets the New York Giants position. Doubt he’d come to Green Bay.

Sean Payton runs an explosive offense and desperately wanted the Packers head coaching job in 2006. He’s under contract with New Orleans, and Green Bay would most likely have to send a first-round pick in exchange for his services.

Mike Tomlin has caught a lot of heat in Pittsburgh, but maybe the Steelers would entertain a swap with Pittsburgh native Mike McCarthy. Since Super Bowl XLV, Tomlin’s Steelers haven’t made another Super Bowl appearance and have won just three playoff games.

I want someone who knows how to win in Green Bay

Steve Mariucci runs a similar offense to Mike McCarthy, and would love to be a head coach again. Except he’s been in broadcasting since 2005, and the last time he was a head coach with Detroit, his record in three years was 15-28. Matt Millen says hi, and wonders if you’re still looking for a GM. You tell him no.

Mike Sherman certainly won his fair share of games as the Packers head coach. After he left Green Bay, he even recruited Johnny Manziel to Texas A&M! Let’s give Sherman another shot and bring in Manziel for a rehabilitation tour. 

I want a head coach who’s a successful offensive coordinator

Josh McDaniels has head coaching experience, but we know how that went. You think he do better in his second go round? Why?

Kyle Shanahan is supposedly a coaching wunderkind, but he’s never had the top job. That’s okay, though. His dad was a great coach. Maybe Kyle will be good. Maybe Kyle knows his dad’s phone number. It never hurts to have options.

I want a head coach who’s a successful defensive coordinator

Rex Ryan has experience. Lots of it. Most of it is really bad, but some has been really good. It’s not clear if he knows that the offensive side of a football game actually happens, or if he just thinks it’s two defenses and a punter.

Matt Patricia has done more as a defensive coordinator with less talent. He’s got a great gig in New England, and the track record for New England coordinators becoming head coaches hasn’t been great. This time will be different, though!

Mike Smith took Atlanta to the brink of a Super Bowl berth, and is now the defensive coordinator of a good Jaguars defense. If you think Mike McCarthy is a vanilla head coach, Mike Smith is extra vanilla.

I want to roll the dice, life’s about taking chances

Chip Kelly runs a high-powered offense. Boy, wouldn’t it be swell to see him paired with an athletic quarterback? Wait, the 49ers tried that. They went 2-14 and fired Kelly after one season. He’s going to need to be an NFL offensive coordinator for a few years if he wants to be a head coach again.

Steve Spurrier was offered the Packers head coaching job in 1999 and 2000. He abruptly retired from South Carolina last year, and is probably done coaching.

Jon Meerdink writes for The Power Sweep, and has coached seventh grade football as an assistant. He has watched the coaches film when writing articles, and has extensive experience playing Madden. He is undefeated in the playoffs, which is more than you can say for that clown Mike McCarthy.

I want a successful college head coach

Nick Saban is the greatest college coach of all-time, but may want another shot as an NFL head coach after the Dolphins. He was 15-17 in two seasons with Miami. He has full control over his roster now, so be sure your GM is okay with him having a hand in picking players.

David Shaw runs the Stanford program, home of many of the Packers high profile players. His last stop in the NFL was in 2005 as the wide receivers coach of the Baltimore Ravens.

Jim Harbaugh has been linked to the Indianapolis Colts job because of his relationship with Andrew Luck, but he’s not leaving the University of Michigan on his own accord any time soon.

P.J. Fleck may one day row his boat to an NFL locker room, but he’s only won in a mid-major conference and just recently took a job with a mediocre Big Ten team. He’s got the confidence of an NFL head coach, but he’s not ready for an NFL gig.

Step 4: Hire assistant coaches to help your head coach

With your coach hired, he’s going to have to bring in some assistants. Since you wanted everybody fired, that means all the Packers existing assistants are already off to new jobs. 

Too bad, because a lot of people think James Campen, Joe Whitt Jr., Winston Moss, and Darren Perry are pretty top notch. They wasted Aaron Rodgers’ prime, though, so they gotta go. 

Like we said earlier, it’s already almost February, so hopefully the good candidates haven’t been snatched up yet!

Kevin Greene wants to get back into coaching, maybe you could start there?

Step 5: Sign the best free agents

You’ve got a front office and a coaching staff, so now we’ve gotta get some players! We need cornerbacks. Lots of them. That’s what Twitter says, anyway. 

Be careful, though: last year the top three cornerbacks in free agency snagged close to $100 million in guaranteed money combined. Don’t leave yourself too shallow on talent! signed the top two free agent corners. 

Okay, well, maybe we’ll be able to sign back...nope, somebody gave Nick Perry $25 million guaranteed, and we don’t have any cap space left. 

That’s okay, though. Cornerbacks work great when they don’t get any help from pass rushers.

Step 6: Trade for the players who will help you win

Maybe you should trade some of your best players at a position of strength to fortify the defense. The Dolphins and Jaguars both offered wide receiver Randall Cobb a lot of money in free agency and think highly of him.

Except Jacksonville’s best trade option is former Packers cornerback Davon House. Miami’s best corner is Byron Maxwell, who’s under a big contract through 2021 and was downright awful on the Eagles last year.

Davante Adams is also very tradeable; some team would probably offer at least a first round pick, right? Well, maybe, but Randy Moss in his prime only brought back a first round pick and a marginal linebacker, so a first or second round pick for Adams might be a little bit high. I’m sure it’ll work out, though. Wide receivers have never been more difficult to find, so the market is high!

While we’re at it, let’s go all-in. Let’s push the Packers’ biggest trade chip right square into the middle of the table: Aaron Rodgers is available. 

I have it on good authority that the Kansas City Chiefs would offer multiple star players and draft picks for Rodgers. Let’s make a deal! Brett Hundley is the future, and centering the offense around his mobility and the deep speed of Jeff Janis is a sure success.

Step 7: Draft only the best players (and be sure to trade up)

Okay, now that you’ve got a front office and coaching staff and have navigated through free agency, it’s time for the draft! No more “best player available” for you, no sir. We’re going to go out and get the very best players for the Packers.

Remember, though: you changed your coaching staff and you’re running a different defense now, since we know the 3-4 has always been trash. 

You need to make sure that you have enough of the right kind of players to fill out your 4-3, so trading up might be a little bit difficult. That’s okay, though. 

Your new front office brain trust has had 90 whole days to prepare for this draft, so I’m sure they’ve got a comprehensive strategy.

With a 4-3, you need a game breaking defensive end. That’s probably going to be Myles Garrett, which will be...expensive. Some people think he might go first overall, and utilizing the widely adopted trade value chart, that means you’ll probably need to give up something close to the value of five first round picks to jump all the way to the top spot. 

Worth it. Welcome to Green Bay, Myles Garrett!

You’ve now used all your draft picks, so you get the rest of the weekend off. Efficient!

Unfortunately, this means the rest of your defense is going to be populated by whichever rookie free agents you can squeeze under the cap. But that’s okay. We’ve known for a while that the Packers are one player away on defense, and exactly one player is all we’ve gotten out of the 2017 draft.

Step 8: Start the season!

We’ve done it! We’ve completely remade the Packers in just one offseason. 

Aaron Rodgers is now in Kansas City. Mike McCarthy joined Andy Reid there as an associate head coach of offense. The team now goes by the Kansas City Packers. 

We’ve signed two good cornerbacks and drafted one rookie defensive end. Our offense is built around a third year quarterback and Jeff Janis. Super Bowls are sure to be ahead!